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Me And My Bird

I am alone in my lovely sitting room.

Or at least, when I say I'm alone I'm not really alone

In my sitting room.

Because I'm not alone!

I am sharing my room with a bird.

Not an attractive female who may have been invited

To share some quality time with me.

But a real bird.

A feathered bird.

Which may be a female but then maybe it isn't.

It might be a pigeon but it may be a rook.

Or even a crow.

I don't know because I can't see it.

Because it's in the chimney.

And any moment now it'll be in my sitting room -

Covered in soot.

And spreading it around my sitting room.

As it looks for a way out.

And as I look for a way of getting it out.

Why is it in my chimney?

Because there's no wire at the top of my chimney.

That would have cost money.

And there's never enough money for the little things.

So when birds land on the top of my chimney

Some loose their step.

And stumble.

And fall down the chimney.

And can't get out again.

At least, not the way they came -

Down the chimney.

But possibly out into the sitting room.

If they can find the gap -

Between the edge of the fireplace and the wooden sheet

That's supposed to block it.

But it may not find the gap.

In which case it'll stay there

Getting weaker and weaker

And then it'll expire.

Which will be the end of the bird.

But it won't be the end of the bird.

Because it'll rot.

And then start to stink

And I'll have to open up the wooden sheet

To get the dead bird out.

But at least it won't spread the soot

Around my lovely sitting room.


In My Old Age

In my old age

I'm feeling my age.

I know I'm getting old -

Because I get up several times in the night.

Sometimes I make a cup of tea

And sometimes I don't.

But I always go to the loo.

I have a friendly spider

Living in my bathroom.

That only comes out at night.

In the dark.

When I put the light on it gets confused

So I always apologise.

For disturbing his night.

Which is really his working day.

We're now close friends

And I check that he's there.

Which he always is.

He's got a new friend

So now there are two.

Similar spiders

Checking their webs - together.

The other night I heard them.

Chatting -

One to another.

While I did my business.

And one of them said

One to the other:

When I get old

I honestly hope

That in my old age

I really don't need

To go to the loo every night.